Letting it flow...

So much that I want to say but I can't. I seem to have a fear of this thing called a relationship. I know this for sure. The last one wasn't a real one and the one before that was over before we really called it quits. You know how it is to hold to something that you don't really need or really want anymore but you hold on cause of the convienence of the whole thing. You rather not find something new or in my case let something new find me. This thing is so funny to me cause I know that I want this and I really do not remember if and when I started all of that or even if I feel like I need it or is it just a want. This things is good to me. This I do know or at least it wants to be. Am I going to let it is the question?!? Why do I fear this thing? The hardest parts of this is me trying to remember what it was like before i found this thing or this thing found me. I haven't forgot yet but I feel myself forgetting and I am trying so hard to remember. The times I want to scream I don't really have to...strange cause I can scream just about anything. I have been able to write for about 2 weeks now everything flows and I am going to let it flow....

I want to let it flow and nominate you for the winner of the year reward...Keeper!

Replaceable

It is so funny how people this that they are irreplaceable when really they are replaceable. It is so crazy how that you can care for someone. You expect for them to care for you in return after all the time spent and other factors. Then all of a sudden things all change somewhat like overnight. That's cool cause what you won't do someone will. mad because I graduated before you, mad because I had a job in my field before I graduated, mad that I have my life in more order than yours...this is why and how you know that you are replaceable. I do not believe in place holders but in this case that is what you might have been. I would rather be courting instead of dating! Please note this! Thanks for being the one to prepare me for the next one who will be if not is already the better one for me. I hope that 24 East and 75 South treats you as well as 40 West did... To the left to the left...just like you left to the left...Bye!

Somethings

Somethings are just things, some people are just people; and some things are more than just things and some people are more than just people!

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue...its wedding season and love is definitely in the air. No love here but much like it is happening. One of My something old's is something borrowed and the other was my something new which is now a year old. My latest something new is truly something. He is great. He is like me exactly like me...silly, goofy, driven...I love it. He makes me smile and glow at least that is what everyone else is saying. Everyone likes him more than the last. Too funny...we have been in the same areas just on opposite sides of the city, school and apartment complex...too funny how people are close and you don't even know it, right under my nose all this time. And this all happened at my something blue! Some say that young women are suppose to go to school to find a husband or at least a long term boyfriend. Where the hell was he when I was going through all that other bullshit?! Anywho, I am happy FINALLY! -pause for reaction- I don't want to jinx it though so I pray more now than before that this is the answers to my prayer that I have prayed for so many times before.

Pure happiness

Pure happiness... Where did you come from but more like where have you been?it's like I was just existing up and until now with moments of you and I never really knew you. Now that I see the potential of what I am suppose to have I really don't want anything else. Where you hiding from me? What do I do now? It's so funny that you judy showed up so random but damn near perfect . This just feels so right....mmm....mmm...good!

40 Runs West and East

40 Runs West and East....so I made that drive 40 west so pick up SiblingChild #1 and to make a change. SC #1 called me all day to make sure that I hadn't forgot about her. I even took SC #4 with me. ROADTRIP! Haven't hung out and had girl time and talk like that in a while. Made the trip there in 2 hours flat. First stop 1630, then 3795 and then grabbed some Dixie Queen with SC #1 and #4 With no intentions on seeing sweetheart, of course I called and he made the decision to met up. Had our regular sit and chat...this time it ended differently but similar than most encounters.Met up with my Braider and got the hair braid at the Memphis price with African quality! Grabbed my children and got back on 40 east. Singing, talking and riding...what a 24 hours! Needless to say Epiphanies happen during our talks about life, men and being happy! Are you an asset or liability? Do you compliment me? Can you make me feel secure and stable?!

Loving the thought of love...

A fellow March baby wrote a note on facebook with this thought so I borrowed it because it matched exactly what I could not put into words. " I love the thought of love but fear the pain that comes alone with it." Lets just say the pain that could come along with the love is what I fear. I know that all love does not come with pain or heartache. I know that it is possible to be happy married or in a relationship because I know that someone is out there made for me. Especially for me! It is funny how I can mix and match people and council individuals on their relationship but can't build,fix or make one of my own! That has to be the dumbest mess that I have ever thought but it is so true...What am I to do? The one that was suppose to take my mind and thoughts away from the old drove me right back to him...Maybe I should just take this time as I did before to get all my things in order because God is still preparing "My Good Thing" for me!I swear if I could make a man at Wal-Mart I would so that I could take him back if he broke. ::laughing:: Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

I use to think that a educated, beautiful, successful Black woman in a healthy relationship wasn't possible but now that my Guide was well on her way into a healthy relationship and is truly glowing in bliss. I know that it is possible.

Escape...

DAMN it felt so good to be out of Tennessee for a 3 day weekend! I had to balance my life for a few days. There is nothing like family time and alone time. Time to sing, drive and cry about any and every thing that came to mind, heart and presence. I can't wait to do it again but it won't be so long in between times again. I promised myself that during the drive back. The escape from the jobs, life issues both personally and professionally, and family issues was fanDAMNtasic I know that none of this will ever end but a break from it was well beyond needed. I missed Babes and SiblingChild #4,like I knew that I would but everyone needs a break sometimes. I know they needed one from me cause I needed one from me too! Any who...it has been a few days since I last wrote a blog so I just had to let this out right quick as summer school and work picks up I will probably see less of this blog but I plan on keeping this escape as much as possible.