I’m Fancy…yeah, I’m Fancy

“You say you dropping 10 lbs for summer…Don’t do it for dude, do it for you…Nails done, hair done, everything BIG”…Got to keep it all fresh, not for you but all for me. You are a bonus. You with me is a bonus. I’m always thing good with or without you…”Better late than never, but never late is better…They say that time is money, but we’ll spend it together” …Could not have said it better myself. “Never late is better” too bad that you aren’t here to spend this time with. You lose, therefore I will enjoy this time…my time…all mine…The truth…my truth….all in all, I learned a lesson from it tho, you never see it come, but you just get to see it go. You were absolutely right, I will thank you later…we, here goes, now is later, thanks….Holla. Miss me…I’m gone…You are too…Do Right And Kill Everything…love you words and thoughts…ShoutOut to Drake…

Reflection Time

Every now and again, I take time out to reflect on my life and different situation. This occurs sometimes daily. I have a really bad habit of replaying events, situations and conversations in my head time and time again. Since fall is soon to arrive, I figured it was about that time. As I think back to last year this time. I think “oh wow” how time flies and all the things that can happen in a year’s time… One of my current favorite songs says “…can’t get better if it don’t hurt” …what a year…thanking God for all the times He said or allowed the others to say “No” cause the “Yes” could have had me in some mess...Living, Learning, Loving and then Move on…

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin??? It has been such a ride since this time last year…Well life has definitely taken place as time has passed. Found love and lost it twice since the last time we spoke. My hair is longer and colored, still at the same place of employment, Ladybug is a year older, added a few presentations to my CV, added another degree to my Resume and gained some work experience both professionally and personally. Man, (yes, I said Man, but not because I am from Memphis and every other Memphis person says it just cause that’s what came out.) I have learned , seen and experienced a lot since last year this time…happiness, heart aches, heart breaks, migraines, minor injuries and recoveries, friendship reconciliations and much more…I can say that I thank God for all my experiences, exposure and enlighten and cause without them I wouldn’t have experience and places to references. The events that will be discussed in this blog are from my perspectives and mine only…If you don’t like it done read it. #Unfollow

It Kills Me by Melanie Fiona

Oh yeah
I've got trouble with my friends
Trouble in my life
Problems when you don't come home at night
But when you do
You always start a fight
But I can't be alone
I need you to come on home

I know you messin around
But who da hell else is gonna hold me down

Oooh I gotta bo out my mind
To think it's gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave
But the other side
Still believes

And it kills me
To know how much I really love you
So much I wanna hoo hoo hooo
To you hoo hoo

Should I grab his cell
Call this chick up
Start some shhh
And then hang up
Or should I be a lady
Ooh maybe cause I wanna have his baby

Ooh yea I don't wanna be alone
I don't need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things
I just can't stand

Ooh I gotta be out my mind
To think it's gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave
But the other side still believes

And it kills me
To know how much I really love you
So much I wanna hoo hoo hoo
To you hoo hoo

Should I play him back
To see how he'll react ooo
To see if he'll react to my love
My love

Ooh I gotta be out my mind
To think it's gonna work this time
A part of me wants to leave
But the other side still believes

And it kills me
To know how much I really love you
So much I wana hoo hoo hoo
To you hoo hoo

Ooh and it kills me
To know how much I really love you
So much I wana hoo hoo hoo
To you hoo hoo

Damn this song read volumes into my deepest thoughts. Glad to know that another real woman shares my thoughts and feelings. And someone said that real music is shot to hell. I know it kills me too. Glad I heard this song before I caught a case...so serious...

My book

I am the author of my life...Unfortunately, I'm writing in pen and I can not erase my mistake...but since I'm the author, I can create the next chapter and I can make the endings whatever I want!

Question of the day

After all this time what is it that we have other than all this time?

I'm so wrapped in you

I'm so wrapped in you, everything I have ever wanted, needed, dreamed...I have found it in you...I call you LIFE. There is nothing that compares to you.

Catch me if you can...Shooting Star

So he says that he wants to fall in love with me...I ask why he says why not, we make a good team...but he wants to remain the owner and the coach of his team and add me to the roster...No sir, unless I can be the manager and I get all the perks as the coach...we can be co-owners or something. Why does he need a team when he got me...I am the STAR! ...So he has cut some members of the team...I'm thinking the fewer the better...I know he sees clearer now...

If...

If - Destinys Child

Hop Along, Tag Along

So today was quite different. It started different from most Monday morning...FedEx @ 5:30, sort and after sort duties, then to the Bluff to shower and change to head to the office...well this morning was more like a wake up about 7:45am, roll onto the bad foot, hop along to get ready for a training at the office. One wake up call instead of 3. My driver arrived SILENTLY! No real convo, just a little about the weather and shit. I prayed before their arrival that I would keep my mouth and actions to myself. Things are so different. There is distance between us that I really don't understand but I do.

SideBar: See there was sort of a "break up, not so break up" that happen about a month or so back between our foursome. We were together but not together kinda thing. "His girl had a girlfriend", which was my girlfriend. ..No Homo...but my bitches are always the cutest cuties...I miss here...anyway...Things seem to be one way but really weren't, kinda hard to explain but not so much...anyway...feelings got hurt because of some informed decisions. I tried to cushion the blows but got punched in the face cause I was in the way. I kept my mouth closed in hope that all would work out or they would part HAPPILY...

To be continued...

After training, left the office to find lunch to end up back the office to eat lunch in cafeteria. MuzikLover calls, which upsets da Gentleman...The beefin' about something now quite sure what the problem is. I wanna know, but I don't...ya know? Anywho, leave to head to the Bluff to wait until therapy session. At 3pm head to therapy, then back to the Bluff so that da Gentleman can head to the home of the Aristocrats to be an alumni. Its Monday and I get no mexican...this sucks...:pouting::Meanwhile, I download so Destiny's Child from back in the day. Share a song with SC#4, who stops by...much love, my love...for some DMC. She alwaus give Mama something to think about as she heads to her new Kingdom::wink, wink::( I pay attention;)Now I am trying to find a way to help MuzikLover...good night

Signed,
Another day in this wonderful life of mine while fighting a losing battle

Confessions of MuzikLover

Things are turning for the best. So MuzikLover confesses that he wants to be here and that he fucked up the first time I needed him and that he will be here this time and that he was sorry. I believe him. He has been tested on every side and now he can finally see the light peeking through the clouds. The compartment of my life where I want him to be, he fits...the question is am I willing to wait for him to get his life completely together. Idk...why do I have to wait?!? This weekend has truly been eye opening...let's see what this week brings...not only doesn't he have to prove it to me but to everyone on my support team...I would be his cheerleader... : )

Here I Stand...Waiting on Reality

During my return to reality from my supposed weekend escape( I was suppose to visit South Memphis again, I went but had a very different outcome this time.) Anywho, MuzikLover, played Raheem DeVaughn's Love Behind the Melody and Usher's Here I Stand, while having DMCs(Deep Meaningful Conversations)about music, life, him, me, family, future dreams...the usual.He took me to my mother since I was out of commission cause of the ankle. (You never realize how much you use something until you can't.)He was absolutely wonderful since last week Wednesday, he even bought dinner over before he started his new shift today. So we listened to the CDs, which accounted for the bulk of the 2 1/2 hour drive/ride back. I didn't like the Usher CD during my first listen, now I have downloaded the entire album for 7 of the 16 tracks. Raheem is my friend already. When we listen to music, we listen to the lyrics, which creates more DMC. I enjoy our brief runs home and back. Even though him and I aren't we...its cool. I am just trying to avoid disaster and complication.

Before I started this blog...Part 2

03.15.09 @ 12:04am
It has been a while since my last entry. I can't believe how long its been. I realize that somethings will never change.Sweetheart is one of those things and it seems like the Hardest Working man in Nashville is wearing the same shoes. ChurchBoy has been a sweetheart lately that is something that I can get use too. Gentleman is a fast mover and new to this whole thing, especially since Tutts left me.

Just some random thoughts: the truth is when I close my eyes, I dream of you. The thought of you makes me smile. You take my breath away. You inspire me to better myself. Even though I am whole you complete me. I wrote a song for you but its untitled and has no words simply because there is no word or phrase that can describe you unless "ump" is a word. These are the feelings I already have for the love of my life even though we haven't met. I feel like everyone deserves to not only feel like this but have someone tell you that this is how they feel about you. When you read this I want you to think about the people you deal with on an intimate level and if this is not how you feel about them then try again. Life is not about who gave you the best nut and if you disagree then I pity you. The old folks say to live, laugh and love not hoe, cum and run...think about it. I laugh at people who choose money over love. Money don't care about you and it damn sure
won't keep you warm at night. I laugh at people who marry for money and wonder why it didn't work. Money is the true root of all evil so how can you base happiness off of it.Think about the next time you try to buy someone's affection. The best gift you can give is time, love, and understanding. The truth is that there are more love songs than fuck songs. The truth is if you have to change who you are or what you believe just to keep someone then they not worth having. The truth is if you are looking for the meaning of life, you won't find it in anything man made....just a few of my thoughts. April 19th@ 10:46pm


11:51am
I just want to be the customer. Its about time someone served me like I have been serving for all these years and in all these relationships. Is that so wrong. Hell naw cause I have went far beyond the call of duty or what you would ever do. You will never find another like me. Some may try but none will ever succeed. Please know there is only one me...don't be the next to miss out on this good thang. Maybe its suppose to be that way...just a thought.

Today is one of these days that make me wanna scream due to the fact that I don't have time::damn I just lost my fuckin thought. Damn

5/11 at 7:29pm
No non sense, no stress. I tell you about some folks. I can't get mad all I can do is laugh. Too funny...lmao...I don't wanna speak cause I am afraid of my reaction that will come from me.


05/22 at 9:16

What was I doing before you got here? Its so good that I can't remember and slick don't wanna go back to the before. I miss you and you have only been gone a few hours. I can't remember...familiarity is hard to get away from...familiar, convenience or real...love will find you.

Before I started this blog...

I was already "blogging" and didn't know it. My writing was my stress relief, a way I could say things that I really couldn't say. I was introduced to blogging by one of my siblingchild. I decided to add these entries, so here goes:

August 2, 2008 @ 2:03am

This shit is crazy. Why is it that niggas try to turn hoes into housewives, then get mad when the shit don't work. '' She don't have to be cute if she going? Wow!

Boredom is always with me. Why I wonder? No one can catch and keep my attention. Not the ones I try to give it to nor the ones who try to take it. I think it is so funny that someone would try to take my attention. However that is exactly what I need. Sweetheart has to go...there is no longer a need for him. My newest friend might just be the person to steal my attention at least from Sweetheat. However this school thing is a bit much for me right now. My newest friend, Hardest Working Man in Nashville might be the focus I need to finish this semester with a bang.

Graduation is a thought all in itself. I can see it now. I am not completely satisfied with myself but my plan B looks real good right now. I have to make it work for SC#1.

My SC#1...I just want to be a great guide for her. I want to show her the way to handle business and life. I know that I can't live it for her but I can try to shade her from careless mistake. Especially the ones I didn't make. I broke the generational cruse. If I can get her over that hump then all should be well. I must show her only through my faith did I succeed to where I am now.


August 3, 2008 @ 12:37am

It is so funny how words only seem to come only at night. I think it is so crazy. I am bored and trying to give my attention away. If only you knew how much I could do to you and for you...lol...

Can't understand normal thinking

August 4, 2008 @1:39 am

is how one guy describes women..I laughed and said that exactly what woman think of men...crazy huh...anyway...so this weekend has come and gone...little to no progress was made for me and mine. I have not tried any mind games but I think he is trying one on me.

I will pray again...maybe God is saying no for now...maybe later...IDK...I just want something I can call my own. Something made just for me by God cause the only thing that will last is something truly '' heaven sent'' I prefer God sent...lol...cause God is everywhere I am and not just in Heaven alone.

Brotherly relationships have been quite strange lately...me and my big mouth...and tough love...my mouth has always gotten my in for trouble than out and my tough love practices tend to hurt me more than the one who it intended for.

Out with the old and where is the new? IDK...OMG...Lol ::screaming:: is all I got to say...

August 5,2008 @ 1:29am

As we spoke today, a small flame inside of me began to grow . It warmed my starting to freeze again heart. It was crazy. Smiling for no reason...happy for no reason...all natural me is what you got today.

Then there is the Hardest working man in Nashville...someone other than my 2 or more knuckle headed brothers...I have way to many daddies...Rich Boy, Tutts, Muscle Man...

Muscle Man, 21 with the head of a born business man on his shoulders and a soul of a old man. I understand his thinking pattern but not of his matters at heart. I don't know whether to call him brother or friend. Never had a friend like him other than Army Man or BabyLove.

The world is like a mirror you see people in other peoples action that reflect something that you know that you have seen before.

12:38am on August 17, 2008

So since have started'' Project Get Over'' all over again today day 1. Yea, I thought about him and past events; however, I did not contact. No calls or texts, email or facebook.just thoughts...it's not over until God says it's over.I must scoot before I can crawl or walk. Thank you Lord for day 1! Forever, For Always, Just because...it is so true what they say...what goes around comes around. After I heard you say that it was your biggest fear. I thought deeper about the content of our conversation. You do what you do because you are spoil. Because you like the challenge of cleaning up your mess with less effort than it took to cause it. You wonder at what strength is the karma going to return? You wonder what will happen next? Who knows? Its easy to tell me no;however, its hard to tell yourself no.

I regret…

I regret stopping by familiarity
…speaking out of courteously
…allowing you to meet the family
…inviting you into my life, my home, my comfort zone, my heart and me
…giving you opportunity to share my dreams
…placing you on this pedestal
…thinking that you were the answer to the prayer I stop praying
…it all. Damn. I regret.
…trying not to regret
…trying to forget what it was like before you
…I regret, regretting.
This will be a good one for the book. Never had a regret before. You were the thing that made me regret the one before you. Hopefully the thing after you will make me FORGET you, instead of REGRET you.
Glad I love me more,
Bri

Replaceable

It is so funny how people this that they are irreplaceable when really they are replaceable. It is so crazy how that you can care for someone. You expect for them to care for you in return after all the time spent and other factors. Then all of a sudden things all change somewhat like overnight. That's cool cause what you won't do someone will. mad because I graduated before you, mad because I had a job in my field before I graduated, mad that I have my life in more order than yours...this is why and how you know that you are replaceable. I do not believe in place holders but in this case that is what you might have been. I would rather be courting instead of dating! Please note this! Thanks for being the one to prepare me for the next one who will be if not is already the better one for me. I hope that 24 East and 75 South treats you as well as 40 West did... To the left to the left...just like you left to the left...Bye!

40 Runs West and East

40 Runs West and East....so I made that drive 40 west so pick up SiblingChild #1 and to make a change. SC #1 called me all day to make sure that I hadn't forgot about her. I even took SC #4 with me. ROADTRIP! Haven't hung out and had girl time and talk like that in a while. Made the trip there in 2 hours flat. First stop 1630, then 3795 and then grabbed some Dixie Queen with SC #1 and #4 With no intentions on seeing sweetheart, of course I called and he made the decision to met up. Had our regular sit and chat...this time it ended differently but similar than most encounters.Met up with my Braider and got the hair braid at the Memphis price with African quality! Grabbed my children and got back on 40 east. Singing, talking and riding...what a 24 hours! Needless to say Epiphanies happen during our talks about life, men and being happy! Are you an asset or liability? Do you compliment me? Can you make me feel secure and stable?!

Next Lifetime

Maybe next lifetime i will have all the love that I want from who I want it from. Maybe I will be the right shape, right size, right color with the right hair length. Maybe next lifetime none of this will matter because the hearts will meet before the mind and society takes over. maybe next lifetime I will have enough money to buy everything and anything that I want. Maybe next lifetime I will find the one just for me...the one that God made just for me! Maybe next lifetime I won't have so many do overs...Maybe next lifetime will be this lifetime...because this lifetime is not over yet!

Is it too much to ask...

is it too much to ask? All I want is some time....TIME...I just want to be in your presence...to be around you...to be near you...to be with you...it doesn't even have to be sexual...it could be...because its good...anyway...all I wanna be is around in your company. I guess it is kinda selfish but I don't care...neither should you because if I'm in your presence you have all of me...I wanna be all in!DAMN I believe it NOW...I wanna be all in...I have given everything/everyone else up to give you all of me and all I get is the runaround. Is it too much to ask? DAMN I thought it would be an even trade...even with all that you have to do and all that I am doing...I still make time and move things around so that I can have time for you and us to be together...it is too much to ask for you to match me! MATCH ME...Is it too much to ask?

So Memphis...Too funny

So I am home for Memorial Day Weekend...just trying to have family time and be bored as well. Anyway, as with anyone and a trip home is like a walk in the past. I hate running into people from high school and seeing old loves or lusts. Its crazy. Too funny. All I can do is laugh because this chick is intimidated by the fact that I am in Shelby County and still have connections with my high school sweetheart who is currently her uncommitted boyfriend. Just because you are his hoe and he feels sorry for you doesn't mean that you have enough rank to stop him from making trip to and from the bank and giving his Bri what she wants when she wants it. So I had to go MEMPHIS on her right quick while remaining respectful to the Mama and other family. You should have seen me. Then the bitch had nerve enough to call my phone while I am standing outside talking to high school sweetheart. She wouldn't even come outside. She so allowed her mouth to write a check that her ass could not cash. I was still a lady with a smile on my face. I took care of the business! Please don't try me. So Memphis...Too funny! This is so why I keep these trips short and sweet. I am so ready to get back to my hardest working man! I don't have these issues with him. Anyway, So MEMPHIS...TOO Funny!