Broken Thoughts

I wanted this…
I got this…
Did I really want this?
Do I really have this?
I am happy.
Why am I not smiling?
What do I do now?
Old friends of the past seem to cross my mind more than the present.
What should I do about this?
New friends are getting to know all the secrets of the old and creating some of the new…”Good Mornings” included…But what about the Afternoons and Evenings…
I’m just trippin’ cause I know where my happiness lies, right?
Will all my planning pay off? Or Will it lead to a plan of failure?
Am I as ready as I thought I was for a relationship? Or should I have took is hesitation as a sign from God that I should slow down and live a little more?
Will all this come together? Or will it just fall apart?
Can he tell that I am not all here? Or do am I a good enough actor to make it seem like I am?
Just a bunch of broken thoughts
Different kind of day….I prayed for what I wanted and I think I got it but its funny I am not as happy as I thought I would be….
Different. Energetic. Musical. Experienced. Testy. Relief. Increasing. Utmost. Surprising.

Different Kind of Day...

So today is like my 4th day off from FedEx cause of the foot/ankle sprain...Agenda for the day...Sleep pass 5:45am, therapy at 9:15am, recheck Drs appointment at 10:15, find some lunch, return to the Bluff, clean house, nap, dinner, blogging and facebooking throughout the day...everything after the drs appointment in no particular order...not a normal day in my planner but I can work it. MuzikLover was today's driver. My plans never work when I am under his supervision. So after the doctor we head to Wal-mart and Financial Aid...Wal-mart was for me to get my chickens...yummy thoughts until they didn't have it. So we tried this sweet and sour chicken..it was tasty but not as tasty as my chickens...(Yes I said my chickens)Next stop Financial aid, as he says that I look at him like "Do you know what time of the year it is? DO you have an appointment?" He looks at me and says " Baby, don't worry. You with me. I got you." I say "Ok. What my foot?" He says, " I got you." My next words, he mocks, " I know, you guess!" LOL...he thinks he knows me. By this time I am thinking this is going to be a interesting visit...I am not the most popular but everyone I take to visit thinks so cause I get stopped at least 10 times before I make it to where I am going. Never fails...I forgot that I was walking with Mr. NAC...He is worst than me but I think I got him beat at least by 4. He actually had to say damn cause of all the people, mostly guys that speak, hug, notice and have slick comments as I hop along...::Smile::So Mr. NAC uses his VIP status to get someone to give me there chair in Financial Aid, then we get behind the doors to see everyone that he wants to speak too and I am introduced as Ms. Knowlton and he is my Better Half...WOW...really...Someone should have told me...even though several of the people I was being introduced to already knew me as a half to a Dynamic Duo...I don't think that went over well with Mr. NAC...that's another story though...So we say bye cause he has to work and I am suppose to be back home by 2pm in order for him to make it work by 2:30. He decides to go to work and I drive "She" home and bring him her at lunch.I was actually shocked and I dont think he thought twice. Meanwhile can you play my administrative assistant and take care of a few phone calls and schedule my PRAXIS 2 for me...really?!?...Yea, I don't have anything else to do... Lunch time passes, no call, just a text " Guess i will be talking to you at 11:30 when you pick me up" So I say all this to say....
Today was a different kind of day in the sense that I spent all day with him and it was the best...the inside jokes, DMCs, hand holding, kisses, hugs, back rubbing, eye staring, all the cute stuff. I even talked to Angie B for an hour...this was a different kind of day...i like these days and hope and pray for more...Tomorrow will be day 2 of different kind of days...

40 Runs West and East

40 Runs West and East....so I made that drive 40 west so pick up SiblingChild #1 and to make a change. SC #1 called me all day to make sure that I hadn't forgot about her. I even took SC #4 with me. ROADTRIP! Haven't hung out and had girl time and talk like that in a while. Made the trip there in 2 hours flat. First stop 1630, then 3795 and then grabbed some Dixie Queen with SC #1 and #4 With no intentions on seeing sweetheart, of course I called and he made the decision to met up. Had our regular sit and chat...this time it ended differently but similar than most encounters.Met up with my Braider and got the hair braid at the Memphis price with African quality! Grabbed my children and got back on 40 east. Singing, talking and riding...what a 24 hours! Needless to say Epiphanies happen during our talks about life, men and being happy! Are you an asset or liability? Do you compliment me? Can you make me feel secure and stable?!

Escape...

DAMN it felt so good to be out of Tennessee for a 3 day weekend! I had to balance my life for a few days. There is nothing like family time and alone time. Time to sing, drive and cry about any and every thing that came to mind, heart and presence. I can't wait to do it again but it won't be so long in between times again. I promised myself that during the drive back. The escape from the jobs, life issues both personally and professionally, and family issues was fanDAMNtasic I know that none of this will ever end but a break from it was well beyond needed. I missed Babes and SiblingChild #4,like I knew that I would but everyone needs a break sometimes. I know they needed one from me cause I needed one from me too! Any who...it has been a few days since I last wrote a blog so I just had to let this out right quick as summer school and work picks up I will probably see less of this blog but I plan on keeping this escape as much as possible.

Next Lifetime

Maybe next lifetime i will have all the love that I want from who I want it from. Maybe I will be the right shape, right size, right color with the right hair length. Maybe next lifetime none of this will matter because the hearts will meet before the mind and society takes over. maybe next lifetime I will have enough money to buy everything and anything that I want. Maybe next lifetime I will find the one just for me...the one that God made just for me! Maybe next lifetime I won't have so many do overs...Maybe next lifetime will be this lifetime...because this lifetime is not over yet!

Is it too much to ask...

is it too much to ask? All I want is some time....TIME...I just want to be in your presence...to be around you...to be near you...to be with you...it doesn't even have to be sexual...it could be...because its good...anyway...all I wanna be is around in your company. I guess it is kinda selfish but I don't care...neither should you because if I'm in your presence you have all of me...I wanna be all in!DAMN I believe it NOW...I wanna be all in...I have given everything/everyone else up to give you all of me and all I get is the runaround. Is it too much to ask? DAMN I thought it would be an even trade...even with all that you have to do and all that I am doing...I still make time and move things around so that I can have time for you and us to be together...it is too much to ask for you to match me! MATCH ME...Is it too much to ask?

Until I Cry

There comes a time in life when you have to quit the mental and emotional fight that you have with yourself and enjoy the guilty and guilt free pleasures. I understand just how wrong this could possibly be but I do not care. I will take and make the best of whatever makes me happy.

It is something about the way you feel when you are laid on your back and caressed like every inch of you is precious fabric. There is something about those tears that form because of the compassion and emotion that comes with the act of love making. The best of the best are the times that make you cry like a baby because it feels so damn good to be opened by the one that opens you best. The deeper the stoke, the deeper the breathing along with the larger the tears that flow down my cheeks as he asks what's wrong. He looks in my eyes as he remember the last time him and passion met. Its like when I first realized I was in deep love with him. It was/is more than just sex and fuckin. I know what it means to make love, because that is what we do every time him and passion meet. Only real love, emotion, passion and trust make you cry like this. If you have never experienced anything like this, you haven't found true and real love. You have never been loved and fucked well until that shit makes you cry...Have you until you cried?

My Thoughts are my company. I can select them, bring them together, select them, detain them and dismiss them...

With, In and Out

I think about having you with me, in me, on me daily. Just the thought makes me moist, your sight makes me soaked, your touch makes me flow like the Mississippi to feel you enter me makes my soul scream. My body, soul, mind are then on one accord, insync with yours. I can't put into words what our bodies do when they meet. Its like we are in the same. Its great more than great it incredible.

When we are WITH each other, no one understands what you do for me or what I do for you. WE slip into our own universe when we are together thats before we intertwine with each other. just the conversation, interactions, and time spend is like no other. Once our eyes meet it is over, we aren't coming back to reality until we have to part. Even before our eyes meet, once I cross Shelby County line, even leave Davidson County, or cross the Tennessee River its like our souls have this magnets pull for each other 200 miles away. Like they must meet at least once a month to rejuvenate each other until the next time we meet.

IN, we are in each others heart, mind,spirit and body. To be IN to someone is more than just to intimate with them at least its more than that to me... Its like every time we say we want out that something pulls us deeper than we were before....Mind....to have consideration for each other with every thought....Spirit....the connection that no one else knows and no one understands...BODY....Yes I inspect every inch of you and "him" cause I want to know every scratch, mark, scar or anything (BirthMark)..Sorry that's just me and why can you know all about me and I not know all about you...

ON....I don't think that an explanation is due for the ON....Me on you or you ON me I don't care I just want it....I know how you like me to be on you, on top rolling hips, bouncing, caressing, massaging, tasting anyway you want it. you just want it

Pulling Away

I officially want to pull away. I know that I am too much too soon for you and process that is taking place now. Pausing me will not solve the problem...I don't think so

Normally I have so much to say, but now the words won't come...

Why?

Baby Names

Mama had a dream today about the Hardest Working Man in Nashville and I having a baby. She knew the baby's name and everything...Freakishly scary...any who my baby's names will be something like these:

Alexandria Elizabeth
Antoure` Michelle
Brianna Monica-Marie
Brandon Michael
Christiana Antoure`
Christian Anthony
Denise
Derrick
Lauren Marie
Lawrence Michael
Racheal
Robert
Shelby
Steven
Monica Marie
Monica Michelle-Marie