Finding me...

I'd rather find love and lose it, than never find love at all...I wasn't looking for it. It kinda found me or is finding me...lol...patience and praying is what I told someone today who told me that they were looking for a real man...I'm not one to give relationship advice (at least in my opinion) but everyone comes to me. Now that I am in a relationship...whew...that felt funny but good to say...(emotional walls,emotional walls) I try to apply all the good relationship advice and tips to my own and the shit don't work...

Broken Thoughts

I wanted this…
I got this…
Did I really want this?
Do I really have this?
I am happy.
Why am I not smiling?
What do I do now?
Old friends of the past seem to cross my mind more than the present.
What should I do about this?
New friends are getting to know all the secrets of the old and creating some of the new…”Good Mornings” included…But what about the Afternoons and Evenings…
I’m just trippin’ cause I know where my happiness lies, right?
Will all my planning pay off? Or Will it lead to a plan of failure?
Am I as ready as I thought I was for a relationship? Or should I have took is hesitation as a sign from God that I should slow down and live a little more?
Will all this come together? Or will it just fall apart?
Can he tell that I am not all here? Or do am I a good enough actor to make it seem like I am?
Just a bunch of broken thoughts
Different kind of day….I prayed for what I wanted and I think I got it but its funny I am not as happy as I thought I would be….
Different. Energetic. Musical. Experienced. Testy. Relief. Increasing. Utmost. Surprising.

He says

He says that heaven is inside of me...we just ordinary people and I make him so high. He's no longer the motherless child, running away from everything. I stopped him from running.

Revengence

An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind!

A deal breaker is a character flaw or emotional stance that significantly deteriorates the quality of a relationship. Qualities that erode your aspirations for a satisfying relationship! Knowing what you want is important because all relationships ar...e built on arrangements, ie. financial,emotional,marital or sexual and are only best when agreed upon by both parties. Whats your deal breaker?
- Taken from Tee

Getting to know Round 2

I never read I just look at the pictures. I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful...So today has been just that...Wonderful...speechless and spellbound is me...I speak French now...We...lol...But I rather we speak Spanish for now cause I don't just want this to be a foreign fantasy...He says I really enjoy the time being spend.

To be continued...

So we replayed the first night all over again, we ride out to the same place in the same outfits add a movie and a snack, a trip to the mall and skip and a hop around with DMCs. I enjoyed myself too.This is not a love story. This is a story about love.Maybe the start of it anyway...

Can we be friends?

Is it true if you really love someone you can't just be there friend?

My book

I am the author of my life...Unfortunately, I'm writing in pen and I can not erase my mistake...but since I'm the author, I can create the next chapter and I can make the endings whatever I want!

Question of the day

After all this time what is it that we have other than all this time?

Bishop's Helpful Hints

Live in the overflow
I don't live in my right now, I live in my not yet.

Right relationships
Platform for people to hear you.
Others can trust you
Positions you to role model
Magnet for vision that God gave
Position myself to bless others
Position for promotion

God will only bless you only as far as your character can sustain you.

Radical request: pray for the space before the "thing"; downgrade my vision: upgrade me: when God enlarges me...
You can't be big, if little got you
Hang in there: perserve
You get wisdom through personal experience, not only through God. Life is the best lesson. God will allow things to happen not in your favor just to teach you wisdom.

I'm so wrapped in you

I'm so wrapped in you, everything I have ever wanted, needed, dreamed...I have found it in you...I call you LIFE. There is nothing that compares to you.

Fortunes

A day is a span of time no one is wealthy enough to waste.

Don't underestimate yourself. Your social skills are needed by others at this time.

This is a night for love and affection.

You have a keen sense of humor and love a good time.

You will have good luck in your personal affiars this month.

The heart is wiser than the intellect.

Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time.

Good news of a long-awaited event will arrive soon.

Your life will be prosperous if you use your creativity.

You will make many changes before setting satisfactorily.

Luck is coming your way.

Good things come in small packages. One is coming to you.

Catch me if you can...Shooting Star

So he says that he wants to fall in love with me...I ask why he says why not, we make a good team...but he wants to remain the owner and the coach of his team and add me to the roster...No sir, unless I can be the manager and I get all the perks as the coach...we can be co-owners or something. Why does he need a team when he got me...I am the STAR! ...So he has cut some members of the team...I'm thinking the fewer the better...I know he sees clearer now...

Different Kind of Day...

So today is like my 4th day off from FedEx cause of the foot/ankle sprain...Agenda for the day...Sleep pass 5:45am, therapy at 9:15am, recheck Drs appointment at 10:15, find some lunch, return to the Bluff, clean house, nap, dinner, blogging and facebooking throughout the day...everything after the drs appointment in no particular order...not a normal day in my planner but I can work it. MuzikLover was today's driver. My plans never work when I am under his supervision. So after the doctor we head to Wal-mart and Financial Aid...Wal-mart was for me to get my chickens...yummy thoughts until they didn't have it. So we tried this sweet and sour chicken..it was tasty but not as tasty as my chickens...(Yes I said my chickens)Next stop Financial aid, as he says that I look at him like "Do you know what time of the year it is? DO you have an appointment?" He looks at me and says " Baby, don't worry. You with me. I got you." I say "Ok. What my foot?" He says, " I got you." My next words, he mocks, " I know, you guess!" LOL...he thinks he knows me. By this time I am thinking this is going to be a interesting visit...I am not the most popular but everyone I take to visit thinks so cause I get stopped at least 10 times before I make it to where I am going. Never fails...I forgot that I was walking with Mr. NAC...He is worst than me but I think I got him beat at least by 4. He actually had to say damn cause of all the people, mostly guys that speak, hug, notice and have slick comments as I hop along...::Smile::So Mr. NAC uses his VIP status to get someone to give me there chair in Financial Aid, then we get behind the doors to see everyone that he wants to speak too and I am introduced as Ms. Knowlton and he is my Better Half...WOW...really...Someone should have told me...even though several of the people I was being introduced to already knew me as a half to a Dynamic Duo...I don't think that went over well with Mr. NAC...that's another story though...So we say bye cause he has to work and I am suppose to be back home by 2pm in order for him to make it work by 2:30. He decides to go to work and I drive "She" home and bring him her at lunch.I was actually shocked and I dont think he thought twice. Meanwhile can you play my administrative assistant and take care of a few phone calls and schedule my PRAXIS 2 for me...really?!?...Yea, I don't have anything else to do... Lunch time passes, no call, just a text " Guess i will be talking to you at 11:30 when you pick me up" So I say all this to say....
Today was a different kind of day in the sense that I spent all day with him and it was the best...the inside jokes, DMCs, hand holding, kisses, hugs, back rubbing, eye staring, all the cute stuff. I even talked to Angie B for an hour...this was a different kind of day...i like these days and hope and pray for more...Tomorrow will be day 2 of different kind of days...

If...

If - Destinys Child

Hop Along, Tag Along

So today was quite different. It started different from most Monday morning...FedEx @ 5:30, sort and after sort duties, then to the Bluff to shower and change to head to the office...well this morning was more like a wake up about 7:45am, roll onto the bad foot, hop along to get ready for a training at the office. One wake up call instead of 3. My driver arrived SILENTLY! No real convo, just a little about the weather and shit. I prayed before their arrival that I would keep my mouth and actions to myself. Things are so different. There is distance between us that I really don't understand but I do.

SideBar: See there was sort of a "break up, not so break up" that happen about a month or so back between our foursome. We were together but not together kinda thing. "His girl had a girlfriend", which was my girlfriend. ..No Homo...but my bitches are always the cutest cuties...I miss here...anyway...Things seem to be one way but really weren't, kinda hard to explain but not so much...anyway...feelings got hurt because of some informed decisions. I tried to cushion the blows but got punched in the face cause I was in the way. I kept my mouth closed in hope that all would work out or they would part HAPPILY...

To be continued...

After training, left the office to find lunch to end up back the office to eat lunch in cafeteria. MuzikLover calls, which upsets da Gentleman...The beefin' about something now quite sure what the problem is. I wanna know, but I don't...ya know? Anywho, leave to head to the Bluff to wait until therapy session. At 3pm head to therapy, then back to the Bluff so that da Gentleman can head to the home of the Aristocrats to be an alumni. Its Monday and I get no mexican...this sucks...:pouting::Meanwhile, I download so Destiny's Child from back in the day. Share a song with SC#4, who stops by...much love, my love...for some DMC. She alwaus give Mama something to think about as she heads to her new Kingdom::wink, wink::( I pay attention;)Now I am trying to find a way to help MuzikLover...good night

Signed,
Another day in this wonderful life of mine while fighting a losing battle

Confessions of MuzikLover

Things are turning for the best. So MuzikLover confesses that he wants to be here and that he fucked up the first time I needed him and that he will be here this time and that he was sorry. I believe him. He has been tested on every side and now he can finally see the light peeking through the clouds. The compartment of my life where I want him to be, he fits...the question is am I willing to wait for him to get his life completely together. Idk...why do I have to wait?!? This weekend has truly been eye opening...let's see what this week brings...not only doesn't he have to prove it to me but to everyone on my support team...I would be his cheerleader... : )

Here I Stand...Waiting on Reality

During my return to reality from my supposed weekend escape( I was suppose to visit South Memphis again, I went but had a very different outcome this time.) Anywho, MuzikLover, played Raheem DeVaughn's Love Behind the Melody and Usher's Here I Stand, while having DMCs(Deep Meaningful Conversations)about music, life, him, me, family, future dreams...the usual.He took me to my mother since I was out of commission cause of the ankle. (You never realize how much you use something until you can't.)He was absolutely wonderful since last week Wednesday, he even bought dinner over before he started his new shift today. So we listened to the CDs, which accounted for the bulk of the 2 1/2 hour drive/ride back. I didn't like the Usher CD during my first listen, now I have downloaded the entire album for 7 of the 16 tracks. Raheem is my friend already. When we listen to music, we listen to the lyrics, which creates more DMC. I enjoy our brief runs home and back. Even though him and I aren't we...its cool. I am just trying to avoid disaster and complication.

Before I started this blog...Part 2

03.15.09 @ 12:04am
It has been a while since my last entry. I can't believe how long its been. I realize that somethings will never change.Sweetheart is one of those things and it seems like the Hardest Working man in Nashville is wearing the same shoes. ChurchBoy has been a sweetheart lately that is something that I can get use too. Gentleman is a fast mover and new to this whole thing, especially since Tutts left me.

Just some random thoughts: the truth is when I close my eyes, I dream of you. The thought of you makes me smile. You take my breath away. You inspire me to better myself. Even though I am whole you complete me. I wrote a song for you but its untitled and has no words simply because there is no word or phrase that can describe you unless "ump" is a word. These are the feelings I already have for the love of my life even though we haven't met. I feel like everyone deserves to not only feel like this but have someone tell you that this is how they feel about you. When you read this I want you to think about the people you deal with on an intimate level and if this is not how you feel about them then try again. Life is not about who gave you the best nut and if you disagree then I pity you. The old folks say to live, laugh and love not hoe, cum and run...think about it. I laugh at people who choose money over love. Money don't care about you and it damn sure
won't keep you warm at night. I laugh at people who marry for money and wonder why it didn't work. Money is the true root of all evil so how can you base happiness off of it.Think about the next time you try to buy someone's affection. The best gift you can give is time, love, and understanding. The truth is that there are more love songs than fuck songs. The truth is if you have to change who you are or what you believe just to keep someone then they not worth having. The truth is if you are looking for the meaning of life, you won't find it in anything man made....just a few of my thoughts. April 19th@ 10:46pm


11:51am
I just want to be the customer. Its about time someone served me like I have been serving for all these years and in all these relationships. Is that so wrong. Hell naw cause I have went far beyond the call of duty or what you would ever do. You will never find another like me. Some may try but none will ever succeed. Please know there is only one me...don't be the next to miss out on this good thang. Maybe its suppose to be that way...just a thought.

Today is one of these days that make me wanna scream due to the fact that I don't have time::damn I just lost my fuckin thought. Damn

5/11 at 7:29pm
No non sense, no stress. I tell you about some folks. I can't get mad all I can do is laugh. Too funny...lmao...I don't wanna speak cause I am afraid of my reaction that will come from me.


05/22 at 9:16

What was I doing before you got here? Its so good that I can't remember and slick don't wanna go back to the before. I miss you and you have only been gone a few hours. I can't remember...familiarity is hard to get away from...familiar, convenience or real...love will find you.

Before I started this blog...

I was already "blogging" and didn't know it. My writing was my stress relief, a way I could say things that I really couldn't say. I was introduced to blogging by one of my siblingchild. I decided to add these entries, so here goes:

August 2, 2008 @ 2:03am

This shit is crazy. Why is it that niggas try to turn hoes into housewives, then get mad when the shit don't work. '' She don't have to be cute if she going? Wow!

Boredom is always with me. Why I wonder? No one can catch and keep my attention. Not the ones I try to give it to nor the ones who try to take it. I think it is so funny that someone would try to take my attention. However that is exactly what I need. Sweetheart has to go...there is no longer a need for him. My newest friend might just be the person to steal my attention at least from Sweetheat. However this school thing is a bit much for me right now. My newest friend, Hardest Working Man in Nashville might be the focus I need to finish this semester with a bang.

Graduation is a thought all in itself. I can see it now. I am not completely satisfied with myself but my plan B looks real good right now. I have to make it work for SC#1.

My SC#1...I just want to be a great guide for her. I want to show her the way to handle business and life. I know that I can't live it for her but I can try to shade her from careless mistake. Especially the ones I didn't make. I broke the generational cruse. If I can get her over that hump then all should be well. I must show her only through my faith did I succeed to where I am now.


August 3, 2008 @ 12:37am

It is so funny how words only seem to come only at night. I think it is so crazy. I am bored and trying to give my attention away. If only you knew how much I could do to you and for you...lol...

Can't understand normal thinking

August 4, 2008 @1:39 am

is how one guy describes women..I laughed and said that exactly what woman think of men...crazy huh...anyway...so this weekend has come and gone...little to no progress was made for me and mine. I have not tried any mind games but I think he is trying one on me.

I will pray again...maybe God is saying no for now...maybe later...IDK...I just want something I can call my own. Something made just for me by God cause the only thing that will last is something truly '' heaven sent'' I prefer God sent...lol...cause God is everywhere I am and not just in Heaven alone.

Brotherly relationships have been quite strange lately...me and my big mouth...and tough love...my mouth has always gotten my in for trouble than out and my tough love practices tend to hurt me more than the one who it intended for.

Out with the old and where is the new? IDK...OMG...Lol ::screaming:: is all I got to say...

August 5,2008 @ 1:29am

As we spoke today, a small flame inside of me began to grow . It warmed my starting to freeze again heart. It was crazy. Smiling for no reason...happy for no reason...all natural me is what you got today.

Then there is the Hardest working man in Nashville...someone other than my 2 or more knuckle headed brothers...I have way to many daddies...Rich Boy, Tutts, Muscle Man...

Muscle Man, 21 with the head of a born business man on his shoulders and a soul of a old man. I understand his thinking pattern but not of his matters at heart. I don't know whether to call him brother or friend. Never had a friend like him other than Army Man or BabyLove.

The world is like a mirror you see people in other peoples action that reflect something that you know that you have seen before.

12:38am on August 17, 2008

So since have started'' Project Get Over'' all over again today day 1. Yea, I thought about him and past events; however, I did not contact. No calls or texts, email or facebook.just thoughts...it's not over until God says it's over.I must scoot before I can crawl or walk. Thank you Lord for day 1! Forever, For Always, Just because...it is so true what they say...what goes around comes around. After I heard you say that it was your biggest fear. I thought deeper about the content of our conversation. You do what you do because you are spoil. Because you like the challenge of cleaning up your mess with less effort than it took to cause it. You wonder at what strength is the karma going to return? You wonder what will happen next? Who knows? Its easy to tell me no;however, its hard to tell yourself no.

Never felt this way

There will never come a day
You'd ever hear me say
That I want and need to be without you
I want to give my all
Baby just hold me, simply control me
Cause your arms, they keep away the lonelies
When I look into your eyes
Then I realize
That all I need is you in my life
All I need is you in my life

Chorus:
Cause I've never felt this way about lovin'
Never felt so good
Never felt this way about lovin'
It feels so good

How it takes my breath
Starts a pounding in my chest
Make me weak, when I think about you
Makes me want to give my all
Life wouldn't mean a thing
Not a happy song to sing
Just emptiness if I had to live without you
When I look into your eyes
Then I realize
That all I need is you in my life
All I need is you in my life

Unbearable

Mama: I just want to say that my heart hurts...I give up...I've given up...
SiblingChild: What? Why? Who hurt you?
Mama: Everyone
SiblingChild: Who? What happen?
Mama:The whole team...the entire team...so I've given up sports...the sport...of love
SiblingChild: I don't understand...
Mama: Me either...I quit!
Signed,
Defeated

Saving All My Love for You

A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

You used to tell me we'd run away together
Love gives you the right to be free
You said be patient, just wait a little longer
But that's just an old fantasy

I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more
Gonna get that old feeling when you walk through that door
Cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love
Yes I'm saving all my love for you

No other woman, is gonna love you more
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling alright
We'll be making love the whole night through
So I'm saving all my love
Yeah I'm saving all my lovin
Yes I'm saving all my love for you
For you, for you

This music teacher sung this song this morning on the Steve Harvey Mornning Show and blew it out the park. I had to find the lyrics cause its been in my head all morning.

Signed,
Still Humming this tune

My Child...

It is so true, Lauryn said it best…it could all be so simple, but we rather make it hard...There are always unexpected opportunities in life…chances of a lifetime and it’s up to you not to fuck’em up...I am still trying to figure out if this is one of those opportunity...
…One of my siblingchildren once said… “...wishing you were here,but you're not, you're there and there doesn't know how lucky it is…" I thought I knew exactly what she meant then but I truly understand now...

Signed by
- Hating the Tennessee River and I-40

Green Eyes

Erykah will see me through this one..My eyes are green because I eat a lot of vegetables, it has nothing to do with your new "friend" I dont care, I swear. I know my love will never be the same, but I cant stand these growing pains...MusicChild has one hundred and one friends that can occupy his time. I know that I am more than enough friend to handle him and a team of 5 more, yet I try to give all my time to MusicChild. Too Much, Too Soon covered me from head to toe…Why do I have to be so good?

I regret…

I regret stopping by familiarity
…speaking out of courteously
…allowing you to meet the family
…inviting you into my life, my home, my comfort zone, my heart and me
…giving you opportunity to share my dreams
…placing you on this pedestal
…thinking that you were the answer to the prayer I stop praying
…it all. Damn. I regret.
…trying not to regret
…trying to forget what it was like before you
…I regret, regretting.
This will be a good one for the book. Never had a regret before. You were the thing that made me regret the one before you. Hopefully the thing after you will make me FORGET you, instead of REGRET you.
Glad I love me more,
Bri

Can these all work together?

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened......Never give up on anything you're willing to FIGHT for. God's greatest gift to us is the love of FAMILY.
Faith, Family, and Friends....Have faith in God! Love your family! and Choose your friends wisely! And then, "Put your hand in the hand of the Man who stills the waters ..... Put your hand in the hand of the Man who calms the sea."

ROADTRIP

It is so funny how my life is like riding in a car. Let’s just name the car LadyBug! It works for me. Any who, so in order to ride it a car it must be moving, meaning, there is a driver, maybe a passenger or 2. Most times I am the driver; this means that I decide where I am going and which way to get there. ROADTRIP of My Life
Personally, I love to drive. I believe that I can drive just about anything. If someone says ROADTRIP, I am all for it. The ROADTRIP of My Life is quite different. I am still the driver but I have this very influential GPS device called GOD, which redirects/reroutes me when I seem to lose my way OR act like I know where I am going and really don’t. Sometimes, He allows me to get lost so that I can see things that I wouldn’t normally see.

Life prep

Sabrina Is making preparation for Life...academically, professionally, personally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and in every other way, not in any particular order. This is going to be a day!

Glimpses and Episode

So I finally realized that I am star in my very own reality show called Living in the wonderful life of SAK. I sometimes am a guest star in other reality shows. I am privledged to see glimpses and previews of episodes to the reality shows of other. This one series that I would say that I am a regular guest star actually had a preview show this weekend. I was asked to be a permanent star several times before but no contact was drawn. I was provided glimpses into the plot of the upcoming episodes. I liked what I saw; however, I am still confused to why this show makes my show seem like a "spin off" when in facts it's the spin off. My show was not only the pilot but has a life time contract. Anywho...a few characters from my reality show have chosen to remove themselves in the upcoming Fall series. I even had some Summer guest that I thought would make the permanent staff but reviews of my show showed differently. Some guest from other shows of my life have been brought back in to the limelight by my request, while some guest are still seeking request to be "extras" on my show. HINT: this is my show and GOD is the creator. I am the exective director, producer. This is my show. Get with it or get gone. More to come...please check the local listings for my exclusive channel coming soon

Funny feeling

It sure is funny how all of a sudden feelings change. Do I laugh to keep from crying? Or is it that I am tired of crying?

Pretty Wings

Pretty Wings
By: Maxwell

Time will bring a well end of our trial
One day there'll be no remnants, no trace,
No residual feelings within you
One day you won't remember me.

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love you.
I hope you feel the same.

Oh, you played me dirty, your game was so bad
You toyed with my affection
Had to fill out my prescription for the remedy
I had to set you free.

Away from me
To see clearly
The way that love can be
when you are not with me
I had to lead
I had to live
I had to leave
I had to love

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

I came wrong you were right
Transformed your love into like.
Baby believe me, I'm sorry I told you lies.
I turned day into night
Sleep till I die a thousand times
Ah, I should've showed you
Better nights, better times
Better days, and I miss you more and more

If I can't have you
Let love set you free
To fly your pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

Pretty wings, your pretty wings, your
Pretty wings. Pretty wings around.

Yes, I know...Yes, I am

Yes, I know that it could all be so simple but we rather make it hard. No I am nor have I been looking for a relationship but the tendencies of one fell in my lap or should I say I ran up on one. I thought that the last one was a beast but this one seems to have disappointed me even more. I am not sure what my expectations were for this one but I had none for the last and still ended up angry of the departure. This one hasn't even started and I am kinda rethinking where this one is going. If it is traveling at all.
Yes, I am very serious when it comes to me and my time. Please believe and know that it is a privilege to have the time of your truly because be have fought and damn near killed for it. You have realized just how much of a timeless treasure I am. The moment after that you realized just how serious I am about who I am and what I stand for.
Yes, I saw all the qualities that I would love to have in a mate. I am not trying to get married in the next few years unless that is apart of God's plan for me.

Golden

Chrisette Michele - Golden lyrics

Artist: Chrisette Michele lyrics
Album: I Am
Year: 2007
Title: Golden Correct these lyrics

Print these lyrics


Send "Golden" Ringtone to your Cell


Lyrics to Golden :
Take me back in the day when loving was pure
Love ain't going away, love is always secure
Life's not always perfect but love's always forever
Lets let true love connect lets try lasting forever

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all
I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman can possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love
Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love
Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love
I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)
No typical american shady love
Let's stay together (let's stay together)
Pray God smile upon ours

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole all
And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more
I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be
Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Golden
Golden
oh oh my
Golden
Golden love
Cause commitment is golden
Mmm mmm

[ Golden Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]

Gibberish

Take me as I am. I do not feel like I should have to changed or be changed Or at least I don’t want to be changed into what you think I should be. I have some things that I would like to change on my own but for the most part I like who and what I am. So take me as I am.
You didn’t want this, me, a relationship, and all that came with being with me before but now I am the thing that you need to be completed. You want me to be there when you cry, mad, sad or whatever. You need me to be the thing that I needed you to be.
Its too late now?!? Or is it? I swear that if I could make the perfect one for me, I now have all the components.
God-fearing. Family Oriented. Educated. Well- Mannered. Hard Working. Goal Driven. Caring. Stable. Trustworthy.
Bonus: Musically Inclined!
He might not be 100% of what I want but I will take 90% of either.
Priorities in Line, Looks and Dress in Line,
I refused to hinder myself because of the issues of another. Neither do I want to be a hindrance to another.
I am a priority to myself and I would like to be one to another.
Timeless treasure: My Heart and I!
Clearly, you didn’t realize what you had until your time was up. Now I am someone else’s treasure. My Heart and feelings are clearly somewhere else, right? Right!?! I want to say sorry but I can’t because I wanted you to hurt and see me doing well so that you would know how I felt. Just being truthful…never would have thought it would be so brutal.
I am not too good at my own matters of the heart! I didn’t realize that I would feel the way I felt when I saw you again. The anger, attitude, happiness, etc. came rushing back to before things started to go bad. I missed you and I know that you missed me too. All that you didn’t say, said exactly what you were feeling. I guess it is true that what’s understood does not have to be explained…well in this case! Now what? Where do I go from here? Or should I ask where do we go from here? Now I have to go back and think and find where I am.

SideBar: My biggest fear is being unstable. I have to be and fell secure and all time. Be it mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. It takes hard work to be stable and if I can do it on my own then why do I need you. NOTE: If you take off add pressures that is a bonus. If you add unneeded stress, you have to go!

The idea of falling in love scares me: I love the thought of love but fear the pain that comes alone with it( Exactly)
Bubbles and Sunshine
Giggles and Hugs

Am I the prototype?
The closer I get to you the more you make me see that this is how life, like/love, living is suppose to be. Where were you 2 years ago? Where did you come from? None of that matters cause I am so glad that you are here now!
Not only am I looking out for me but for my future and little ones that will follow me.

Lawrence Maurice
Lauren Marie
*Lawrence Anthony
*Lauren Alexandria
*Alexandria Elizabeth-Marie
*Anthony
*Samantha Monica-Marie
Sebastian Michael
Brandon
Brianna
*Robert Anthony
Rebecca Denise
Christina
Christian
Denise
DeMarcus/DeMarkus

Letting it flow...

So much that I want to say but I can't. I seem to have a fear of this thing called a relationship. I know this for sure. The last one wasn't a real one and the one before that was over before we really called it quits. You know how it is to hold to something that you don't really need or really want anymore but you hold on cause of the convienence of the whole thing. You rather not find something new or in my case let something new find me. This thing is so funny to me cause I know that I want this and I really do not remember if and when I started all of that or even if I feel like I need it or is it just a want. This things is good to me. This I do know or at least it wants to be. Am I going to let it is the question?!? Why do I fear this thing? The hardest parts of this is me trying to remember what it was like before i found this thing or this thing found me. I haven't forgot yet but I feel myself forgetting and I am trying so hard to remember. The times I want to scream I don't really have to...strange cause I can scream just about anything. I have been able to write for about 2 weeks now everything flows and I am going to let it flow....

I want to let it flow and nominate you for the winner of the year reward...Keeper!

Replaceable

It is so funny how people this that they are irreplaceable when really they are replaceable. It is so crazy how that you can care for someone. You expect for them to care for you in return after all the time spent and other factors. Then all of a sudden things all change somewhat like overnight. That's cool cause what you won't do someone will. mad because I graduated before you, mad because I had a job in my field before I graduated, mad that I have my life in more order than yours...this is why and how you know that you are replaceable. I do not believe in place holders but in this case that is what you might have been. I would rather be courting instead of dating! Please note this! Thanks for being the one to prepare me for the next one who will be if not is already the better one for me. I hope that 24 East and 75 South treats you as well as 40 West did... To the left to the left...just like you left to the left...Bye!

Somethings

Somethings are just things, some people are just people; and some things are more than just things and some people are more than just people!

Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue...its wedding season and love is definitely in the air. No love here but much like it is happening. One of My something old's is something borrowed and the other was my something new which is now a year old. My latest something new is truly something. He is great. He is like me exactly like me...silly, goofy, driven...I love it. He makes me smile and glow at least that is what everyone else is saying. Everyone likes him more than the last. Too funny...we have been in the same areas just on opposite sides of the city, school and apartment complex...too funny how people are close and you don't even know it, right under my nose all this time. And this all happened at my something blue! Some say that young women are suppose to go to school to find a husband or at least a long term boyfriend. Where the hell was he when I was going through all that other bullshit?! Anywho, I am happy FINALLY! -pause for reaction- I don't want to jinx it though so I pray more now than before that this is the answers to my prayer that I have prayed for so many times before.

Pure happiness

Pure happiness... Where did you come from but more like where have you been?it's like I was just existing up and until now with moments of you and I never really knew you. Now that I see the potential of what I am suppose to have I really don't want anything else. Where you hiding from me? What do I do now? It's so funny that you judy showed up so random but damn near perfect . This just feels so right....mmm....mmm...good!

40 Runs West and East

40 Runs West and East....so I made that drive 40 west so pick up SiblingChild #1 and to make a change. SC #1 called me all day to make sure that I hadn't forgot about her. I even took SC #4 with me. ROADTRIP! Haven't hung out and had girl time and talk like that in a while. Made the trip there in 2 hours flat. First stop 1630, then 3795 and then grabbed some Dixie Queen with SC #1 and #4 With no intentions on seeing sweetheart, of course I called and he made the decision to met up. Had our regular sit and chat...this time it ended differently but similar than most encounters.Met up with my Braider and got the hair braid at the Memphis price with African quality! Grabbed my children and got back on 40 east. Singing, talking and riding...what a 24 hours! Needless to say Epiphanies happen during our talks about life, men and being happy! Are you an asset or liability? Do you compliment me? Can you make me feel secure and stable?!

Loving the thought of love...

A fellow March baby wrote a note on facebook with this thought so I borrowed it because it matched exactly what I could not put into words. " I love the thought of love but fear the pain that comes alone with it." Lets just say the pain that could come along with the love is what I fear. I know that all love does not come with pain or heartache. I know that it is possible to be happy married or in a relationship because I know that someone is out there made for me. Especially for me! It is funny how I can mix and match people and council individuals on their relationship but can't build,fix or make one of my own! That has to be the dumbest mess that I have ever thought but it is so true...What am I to do? The one that was suppose to take my mind and thoughts away from the old drove me right back to him...Maybe I should just take this time as I did before to get all my things in order because God is still preparing "My Good Thing" for me!I swear if I could make a man at Wal-Mart I would so that I could take him back if he broke. ::laughing:: Sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

I use to think that a educated, beautiful, successful Black woman in a healthy relationship wasn't possible but now that my Guide was well on her way into a healthy relationship and is truly glowing in bliss. I know that it is possible.

Escape...

DAMN it felt so good to be out of Tennessee for a 3 day weekend! I had to balance my life for a few days. There is nothing like family time and alone time. Time to sing, drive and cry about any and every thing that came to mind, heart and presence. I can't wait to do it again but it won't be so long in between times again. I promised myself that during the drive back. The escape from the jobs, life issues both personally and professionally, and family issues was fanDAMNtasic I know that none of this will ever end but a break from it was well beyond needed. I missed Babes and SiblingChild #4,like I knew that I would but everyone needs a break sometimes. I know they needed one from me cause I needed one from me too! Any who...it has been a few days since I last wrote a blog so I just had to let this out right quick as summer school and work picks up I will probably see less of this blog but I plan on keeping this escape as much as possible.

Anything but HAPPY!

There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all pointless drama and the people who create it and the bad and focus solely on the good. After all, life is too short too be anything but happy!

What makes a good girl go bad...

Here is a list of things that could make a good girl go bad:

1. Mistreating the attention and time of a good girl
2. Misuse of a good girl
3. Underestimating a good girl
4.

Bruised but not broken is exactly what I am. I have the marks for the pain but I am still standing.

ATL...

ATL...ATLANTA...the place of the fast movers...the place where everyone goes to make the money and a name for themselves...the place of opportunity for my people...the place that too my first man and now my last...the place that is taking away those men that are/were closest to me...the place that I hope one day I will call home...the place the is home to my favorite people...the place...the famous ATL...ATLANTA...oh what a place...ATL

Next Lifetime

Maybe next lifetime i will have all the love that I want from who I want it from. Maybe I will be the right shape, right size, right color with the right hair length. Maybe next lifetime none of this will matter because the hearts will meet before the mind and society takes over. maybe next lifetime I will have enough money to buy everything and anything that I want. Maybe next lifetime I will find the one just for me...the one that God made just for me! Maybe next lifetime I won't have so many do overs...Maybe next lifetime will be this lifetime...because this lifetime is not over yet!

Is it too much to ask...

is it too much to ask? All I want is some time....TIME...I just want to be in your presence...to be around you...to be near you...to be with you...it doesn't even have to be sexual...it could be...because its good...anyway...all I wanna be is around in your company. I guess it is kinda selfish but I don't care...neither should you because if I'm in your presence you have all of me...I wanna be all in!DAMN I believe it NOW...I wanna be all in...I have given everything/everyone else up to give you all of me and all I get is the runaround. Is it too much to ask? DAMN I thought it would be an even trade...even with all that you have to do and all that I am doing...I still make time and move things around so that I can have time for you and us to be together...it is too much to ask for you to match me! MATCH ME...Is it too much to ask?

So Memphis...Too funny

So I am home for Memorial Day Weekend...just trying to have family time and be bored as well. Anyway, as with anyone and a trip home is like a walk in the past. I hate running into people from high school and seeing old loves or lusts. Its crazy. Too funny. All I can do is laugh because this chick is intimidated by the fact that I am in Shelby County and still have connections with my high school sweetheart who is currently her uncommitted boyfriend. Just because you are his hoe and he feels sorry for you doesn't mean that you have enough rank to stop him from making trip to and from the bank and giving his Bri what she wants when she wants it. So I had to go MEMPHIS on her right quick while remaining respectful to the Mama and other family. You should have seen me. Then the bitch had nerve enough to call my phone while I am standing outside talking to high school sweetheart. She wouldn't even come outside. She so allowed her mouth to write a check that her ass could not cash. I was still a lady with a smile on my face. I took care of the business! Please don't try me. So Memphis...Too funny! This is so why I keep these trips short and sweet. I am so ready to get back to my hardest working man! I don't have these issues with him. Anyway, So MEMPHIS...TOO Funny!

Mad about something, could be nothing...

About to cry. Don't know why. My heart is tired of going and cumming...DAMN...Why won't the tears come. Too tired to do the things that I need to do.I will be the fool for you only if I choose. I choose you! I want you but I do not want the love and the drama that comes with. I knew that the bliss was only for the moment in time while my heart expects it to last forever. I know that he doesn't belong to me but just for the moment and that is fine as lone as the moment is for me when I want/need/crave it. At times I wish that the current placeholder held as much weight as the last. Too bad cause I know that I am as bad ass girlfriend/wifey and be a damn near perfect wife...if not PERFECT

Lovesick...

From where I sit...I look out and wonder why us human act the way we do . I want. I need. I know. I am. I won't. I will. I can. So then why do I even try...For what its worth...you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. Missing someone is your heart's way of reminding you that you love them...tired of of feeling empty.

Absence makes the heart grown fonder...but....only when the absence is short!

knows that obtaining things such as cars, houses and men does not make you a woman. Its about the behavior and upkeep after receiving those things that make you a woman or not! I would rather be INDEPENDENT than DEPENDENT any day...

doesn't feel like doing anything...but I have so much to do!

Until I Cry

There comes a time in life when you have to quit the mental and emotional fight that you have with yourself and enjoy the guilty and guilt free pleasures. I understand just how wrong this could possibly be but I do not care. I will take and make the best of whatever makes me happy.

It is something about the way you feel when you are laid on your back and caressed like every inch of you is precious fabric. There is something about those tears that form because of the compassion and emotion that comes with the act of love making. The best of the best are the times that make you cry like a baby because it feels so damn good to be opened by the one that opens you best. The deeper the stoke, the deeper the breathing along with the larger the tears that flow down my cheeks as he asks what's wrong. He looks in my eyes as he remember the last time him and passion met. Its like when I first realized I was in deep love with him. It was/is more than just sex and fuckin. I know what it means to make love, because that is what we do every time him and passion meet. Only real love, emotion, passion and trust make you cry like this. If you have never experienced anything like this, you haven't found true and real love. You have never been loved and fucked well until that shit makes you cry...Have you until you cried?

When I can't seem to find the words....

If you were someone else, this would be so much easier. I would already know every part of you. Especially when I can't find the words. There is something that I want to say that I just can't bring myself to say. When will we realize that we create the box I which bounds us to certain places and times. When will we realize that we draw the lines and can erase them at our own will.How can you be everything that I want, but nothing that I need? Damn I just want something that is all mine even if it is for a moment. I do not want to sale myself short either though...emotionally checked out!

My Thoughts are my company. I can select them, bring them together, select them, detain them and dismiss them...

With, In and Out

I think about having you with me, in me, on me daily. Just the thought makes me moist, your sight makes me soaked, your touch makes me flow like the Mississippi to feel you enter me makes my soul scream. My body, soul, mind are then on one accord, insync with yours. I can't put into words what our bodies do when they meet. Its like we are in the same. Its great more than great it incredible.

When we are WITH each other, no one understands what you do for me or what I do for you. WE slip into our own universe when we are together thats before we intertwine with each other. just the conversation, interactions, and time spend is like no other. Once our eyes meet it is over, we aren't coming back to reality until we have to part. Even before our eyes meet, once I cross Shelby County line, even leave Davidson County, or cross the Tennessee River its like our souls have this magnets pull for each other 200 miles away. Like they must meet at least once a month to rejuvenate each other until the next time we meet.

IN, we are in each others heart, mind,spirit and body. To be IN to someone is more than just to intimate with them at least its more than that to me... Its like every time we say we want out that something pulls us deeper than we were before....Mind....to have consideration for each other with every thought....Spirit....the connection that no one else knows and no one understands...BODY....Yes I inspect every inch of you and "him" cause I want to know every scratch, mark, scar or anything (BirthMark)..Sorry that's just me and why can you know all about me and I not know all about you...

ON....I don't think that an explanation is due for the ON....Me on you or you ON me I don't care I just want it....I know how you like me to be on you, on top rolling hips, bouncing, caressing, massaging, tasting anyway you want it. you just want it

Pulling Away

I officially want to pull away. I know that I am too much too soon for you and process that is taking place now. Pausing me will not solve the problem...I don't think so

I may not have what I want but God has blessed me with what I need!

Normally I have so much to say, but now the words won't come...

Why?

Blogs Coming Soon

And I?
Baby
Hypothetically
Stick with you
Next Lifetime
ATL…
Live. Learn. Laugh. Love. Life.
Some say that absence makes the heart grow fonder...I say only when the absence is short.
Bruised but not broken is exactly what I am. I have the marks for the pain but I am still standing.
Where do we go from here?
Lovesick...
Love lost, Love found, Love became
from my heart to your
one on one
What makes a good girl go bad...
Cussed out, chewed out fired but right back hired
I love way too hard

Baby Names

Mama had a dream today about the Hardest Working Man in Nashville and I having a baby. She knew the baby's name and everything...Freakishly scary...any who my baby's names will be something like these:

Alexandria Elizabeth
Antoure` Michelle
Brianna Monica-Marie
Brandon Michael
Christiana Antoure`
Christian Anthony
Denise
Derrick
Lauren Marie
Lawrence Michael
Racheal
Robert
Shelby
Steven
Monica Marie
Monica Michelle-Marie

Breaking Away from yesterday’s stuff. I can not spring if I continue to cling. It is okay to acknowledge that I have a need. Deal with the root and not the symptom. Do not let the Devil get in your mind(psychology),My relationship (sociology), What you believe in God for(theology).

Is it even worth it anymore/ really where do we go from here/ I need to know/tired/crushed/saddened/empty/comfortless/confused/lost/deep/trapped in a glass case of emotion

Must be because when I need the thing you don’t…the only other reason I can think of is that someone else is filling your appetite… before we began this part of our journey I tried to warn you that the size of my appetite and before you could sign the agreement you said that you could handle it without a doubt…

...Contracts...

Contracts…
Now I am rethinking your contract…The appetite was a portion of the contract not even 50%...the major part of the contract was to take care of me like I needed to be taken care of…mentally, emotionally stability was the part that you were to take care of before physically…I take care of the financially part until we sign the permanent contract… I told you that it was not my plan to go into contract with you. I guess that is why I am rethinking every move, conversation, minute spend, meal cooked…I am in too deep now…I can see me drowning in this thang and I am not sure how I got here…

Too much, too soon

Too much, too soon
Am I too much, too soon…possibly . I am the best thing since slice bread. I am a woman of my word. I am going to make someone a damn good wife. I am a business woman. I am Christian. I am the total package. I cook. I clean. I take care of me. I am a spoiler. I am caring. I am loving. You will never find another love like this.

5/9/2009 7:30:18 PM

I guess that is it okay….I guess. Why do I feel like the world is on my heart and I can not seem to push it away. Then I feel like something is missing. I feel hurt. I feel pain. I feel crushed. I feel hot. I feel hunger for food and other things. I feel. I feel. I don’t know what the problem is. I just cant seem to put my hand on it. I don’t really understand why. I cant. I cant cry, scream, laugh, be happy, run, sing, talk, writing barely is coming to me. I don’t know why. The music use to heal but so did you. That doesn’t happen unless I am in your presence and since that is so limited now and has been for a while. That makes me wanna cry but I can’t ….damn and once I find the tears to cry the pain in the pit of my stomach make crying seem like the worst pain of life…hungry pain for food and for you. What is the damn problem. I have not been myself …I am always me. Always. But not now in this moment. This has never happened before. I drink but not like last night and the thoughts of doing it all again tonight . that is so not in my character. Just a few thoughts now is a time to keep busy so that I wont say or do anything that I might regret which I rarely ever do anything that I regret. That is another sign that something is not right. The headache will not subside. Damn house is a mess, life is the same…this never happens…sleeping is not helping either. Now the tears wont flow as I actually sit and think this thang out. Bitches, Atlanta, family, money, cars. What else. Maybe child#4 was right. It is a sign that I am not suppose to cry about this thang. I remember how good it felt to cry and everything be made better. LIFE is too full of LIEs and Ifs. Laying around…is not helping either. Neither is cleaning. WTF?

Week of events...05/04-05/09

It all began with a great deal of excitement and through the week all the ciaos overcame the excitement. All that I could do was done. I was understanding. I was loving. I was caring. I was giving. I was everything that any man could want during this supposed exciting time. Now that the day has came and passed, the clouds are still in front of my sun. I just wanted to be cherished like I cherish you.

Any Day

I knows that obtaining things such as cars, houses and men does not make you a woman. Its about the behavior and upkeep after receiving those things that make you a woman or not! I would rather be INDEPENDENT than DEPENDENT any day...

The Point of It All

I can´t stay away from you too long
Even if I do I´ll always call
Checkin' on you make sure you´re ok
Be the one to brighten up your day

And the point of it all
Is I love you
You know I love you baby

My days seem long
whenever we're apart
it´s like someone had
thrown away my heart
you´re a major part of my life
And no matter what the
storm may bring
I´m fine with you,

And the point of it all
Is I love you
And the reason for it all
Is I love you

O I love
[ Anthony Hamilton Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
O I love you
O my love

I can´t stay away too long
I can´t stay away from you baby
don´t wanna be without you
I need you
O why don´t you stay
around for awhile

And the point of it all
And the point of it all
And the point of it all
And the point of it all
Ohhohh, and the reason for it all
And the point of it all
Is that I love you
Yeah, I love you

Whenever we're apart
It damn near starves my heart
And I don´t ever want to be apart

Pet Peeves

I am a very pleasant person under normal circumstances. However, I have a few pet peeves that make me scream, cry, speechless...

1. I thought you were....statements make me wanna scream. ( I am a woman of my word and I ALWAYS do what I say unless it is outside my control.
2. If I make time or arrangements for something or someone, and the person (s) involved do not take or make the same respect.
3. For the person that I am currently involved with to be stressed and there is nothing that I can do about it.
4. To be neglected or for my qualities to be misused or mistreated.
5. When I get so mad that I can't scream, cry, write or talk.

This list will be updates as more are created....

Unstable and inadequate

I hate being so mad that I can't talk, cry, scream or write... That has to be the worst feeling of all feelings... The anger that makes you get in your car and push it to 110 before you realize it... I only let a few things piss me off to that point... Family and friends that are like family, basically anyone who is close to my heart....It all started yesterday and today just put the topping on the cake...I hate to see what happens tomorrow...I don't think I can take anymore...PMS, losing my job, getting it back, fighting with my Hardest Working Man in Nashville, and feeling inadequate, emotionally unstable...how much more can a girl take...then today... I hate caring so much about other and even more when they do not pay me the same respect.... Your mouth can say one thing and actions say another..... I need for those two to match..... Please know that when I give up on you that will be the worst feeling ever.... I enjoy making you feel like a million bucks because it makes me feel like a million bucks.... I wish you could see what I see and feel what I feel....DAMN I could have been in love by now...DAMN I could be 10 steps behind where I am now...

Balancing Acts

There comes a time in life when you have to learn how to balance between all parts of life. I am not the best with time management and balancing life; however, I make sure that I take care of those who take care of me...I guess I should be looking for boyfriend #2...might have to get boyfriend #1 first...

TimeOut for Drama

There come a time in life when you have to let go of all pointless drama and the people who create it and surround yourself with people who make you laugh so hard that you forget the bad and focus solely