What A Day...

Today was an in the house day...It was an up and down type of day... Emotional Roller-coaster would be an understand statement...I know that this process is coming along because I feel the changes. I just pray that I do not become a true bitch in the process. I feel like I want and need to be emotionless once this is over or at least during the process. i woke up with all intentions of getting out of my bed, cleaning house and organizing life. I only got half of that done, but hey I had to start some where. I got out of my bed and moved to my couch, added some dates to my planner and iCal and placed a few things in the trash. I did actually leave the house about 9pm...ShoutOut to my SiblingChild #1 and PA Karen for the dinner and drinks...so needed that. As for the remainder of the day before 9pm, I searched for blogs, did some Facebook chatting, tweeted and listened to a few songs, reset some privacy settings and lounged for the day. Then about 2pm, a ray of sunshine entered my place and I began to think about how much of a great and resourceful person I am! (Figured that it was just one of those up moments cause it was). Another moment like that came to me about 11:30pm, after my "Walk Me Down", I felt better about the entire "situation" at hand. Here is what I have to say:

You are a complete dumb ass for thinking that you are smarter than me. You are a complete loser for thinking that you can make me feel less of a person. I am beautiful inside and out...have you seen me? Even on a bad day, I have a smile that lights up the world. I am cuter than your current choice and past choice put together. You thought you where upgrading or did you take the first available offer. Get it together. How can you secure someone else? You do not even have yourself together enough. You could have been man enough to say that you could not handle my "professionalism" in and outside the house. Grown up...age is nothing but a number. You can keep your excuses to why things are the way that they are because you yourself are an excuse and excuses I can do without. Excuses are tools of incompetence building monuments to nothingness on pillars of insubstantialities
Those that employ this theory or its practices are seldom capable of anything! For that, you LOSE!

I am brilliant and wonderfully made because God made me that way. I love Him and He loves me. I owe Him everything and not only do I praise Him for the things that he has blessed me with, I praise Him for the things, people and places that He has taken from me. I am not "sometiming", like you. How you only gone be grateful for the things that He gives you? That is between you and Him. As for your quick fix, I am glad I helped while I could. But He knew that I needed time to focus more on my business at hand, instead of completely focusing on you and your issues. I try to be a problem solver, but clearly I am not certified in that area either. Now while I am down and out because you are not here, I should be grateful, that He is and will always be. What I need is stability, consistency, compassion and understanding in my life and from this you can not offer anything but a placeholder...I have pillows for that. I will politely take this more than slight discomfort for now. I know that my comfort will be in my stability, consistency, compassion and understanding that will come sooner than I think. So THANK YOU again for not being ready for me as a woman,friend, girlfriend,confidant, shoulder to cry on, mother to your children, etc. You have only help to prepare me for the man that God is preparing for me. So for every tear that I cried in front of you and the ones that I cried only, that was yesterday and today...tomorrow will be better, I promise you that. I know that everyday won't be sunshine, but it is all a part of the process, so I will take that until this process of over and complete.

A Process

First of all, let me start by sending a Shoutout to my mentor. She is the best, she offers different perspective on everything from simple to complex. If you don't have one, I suggest you get one! Cant have mine tho, I keep her busy enough. Today is definitely a caterpillar type of day, which is cool. You have to start somewhere. I would rather start this process like a caterpillar does and mature into a butterfly. The process of a caterpillar is amazing and I realized a while ago that only God can be in charge of these type of transformations. I love God! He is all knowing, all seeing, all judging, all EVERYTHING. So when I realize or feeling I am having caterpillar type of days, I know that this is all apart of a process, my process! Taking the good with the not so good. If I have to go through this to get where I want to be, let's go! God is my pilot and I know that He will see me safely through!

Laughter is good for the soul!

Today was a good day...I laughed for the first time in a long time...forreal. It felt great! My soul needed a good laugh and God provided it in several ways. First at lunch with my crew, then at work through convo with some old friends. I thank God for the people around me. They are positive, popping and pretty people inside and out. #ShoutOut to My Mentor for the cutest summer dress, makeup and accessories today. I see you, Kendall! #ShoutOut to my Prince for keeping his appointment and accomplishments thus far...more to come! God is working on some things for me and the people around me...thank you, Lord for the process! Remember sometime you have to laugh until you cry or laugh to keep from crying, either way...is your choice, just Laugh!

Grieving

Grieving!!!! I did not know that I was grieving, this explains a lot. No one died but my past two relationships are no longer here. Did you know that when you end a relationship a grieving process takes place. So as I had my midday and evening mentor session, depression and grieving were words that came up several times. I had to go and look up the steps to grieving. Check out the links…I know that I am not going through by myself.
Lord knows I am tired, I truly want to be past all of this. I know that I have to recognize that it’s ok to have these different feelings. I am going to give myself a break from some things, but I do not want to go through this alone. Now I have to refocus and take care of ME! I will think positively and Thank God all the while…This is going to be a process …Bear with me.
The BreakUp Blues: 7 Stages of Grief : http://www.examiner.com/x-12660-DC-Relationship-Psychology-Examiner~y2009m6d24-The-breakup-blues
Shock and Denial
Pain and Guilt
Anger and Bargaining
Depression and Loneliness
The Upward Turn
Reconstruction
Acceptance and Hope
After researching the steps, I realize where I am in this process…Definitely looking forward to “The Upward Turn”…During my current stage, I will be in deep prayer and meditation consistently forever. I will not allow anything or person to come between me and God. I will have to add that to my prayer list…Its time for me to have a conversation with God…got to run…be back tomorrow…same place…same time..Just another day in this life of mine…

Where do I begin?

Where do I begin??? It has been such a ride since this time last year…Well life has definitely taken place as time has passed. Found love and lost it twice since the last time we spoke. My hair is longer and colored, still at the same place of employment, Ladybug is a year older, added a few presentations to my CV, added another degree to my Resume and gained some work experience both professionally and personally. Man, (yes, I said Man, but not because I am from Memphis and every other Memphis person says it just cause that’s what came out.) I have learned , seen and experienced a lot since last year this time…happiness, heart aches, heart breaks, migraines, minor injuries and recoveries, friendship reconciliations and much more…I can say that I thank God for all my experiences, exposure and enlighten and cause without them I wouldn’t have experience and places to references. The events that will be discussed in this blog are from my perspectives and mine only…If you don’t like it done read it. #Unfollow

Back to the Basics

So it has been a long time since I actually visited my blog, let alone visited my very first blog…shout out to the one, who introduced me to this last year…It’s been a while but I am back now… Home is where the heart is, you never forget the thing, the place or the people that comforted you when you feel the most discomfort. Bear with me…it’s been a while and I have a lot to say… Back to the Basics like Yo Gotti...guess I should have a Gangsta Party...that might make me feel better...I am willing to try anything at this point...I got nothing but time and me...

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Unthinkable

So this songs so speaks to exactly how and what I am feelings...All I can say is this is different, very different and I like it and it likes me...I'm Ready...I'm Ready to do the Unthinkable

Unthinkable
Verse 1:

Moment of honesty
Someone's gotta take the lead tonight
Whose it gonna be?
I'm gonna sit right here
And tell you all that comes to me
If you have something to say
You should say it right now
(Drake: You should say it right now)

You ready?

Bridge:

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I think I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I think it deserve it..Let it go)
It's becoming something that's impossible to ignore
And I can't take it
(Drake: I can't take it)

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)

Verse 2:
I know you once said to me
"This is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be"
Time is only wasting so why wait for eventually?
If we gon' do something 'bout it
We should do it right now
(Drake: We should do it right now)

Bay, uh

Bridge:

You give me a feeling that I never felt before
And I deserve it, I know I deserve it
(Drake: I deserve it, I know I deserve it. Let it go)
Its becoming something that's impossible to ignore
It's what we make it
(Drake: It's what we make it)

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready)

Yeah, sing...

Hook:

Why give up before we try
Feel the lows before the highs
Clip our wings before we fly away
I can't say I came prepared
I'm suspended in the air
Won't you come be in the sky with me

Chorus-Alicia & Drake:

I was wondering maybe
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy
Or would it be so beautiful either way I'm sayin'
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)
If you ask me I'm ready
(Echo: I'm ready, I'm ready)

Even Angels

Fantasia Even Angels...speaks for it self...
-Verse 1
I'm driving in circles
should have bought that new phone
I can't find my way to
all the places I call home

I'm
(on my own)
I'm at the station pumping gas
yea
I'm taking out the trash
I'm
(all alone)

And whose there
Whose there

-Bridge
Since you been gone
I learned how to move on
how to be myself
I don;t need nobody's help
I'm doing so good
I forgot that I could
Live like this
Ohh

-Chorus
First step
take a deep breath
you don't need a reason why
you can
you can
take take time
you can
you can
walk, run, dive
Close call
think you might fall
but all you gotta do is try
even angels
even angels
learn to fly


-Verse 2
coming home in this late night
should have left the lights on
i can't help but image all the things
that could go wrong

I'm
(on my own)
I'm in the kitchen
on the chair
reaching for the top shelf
I'm
(all alone)
and I'm okay
I'm alright

-Bridge
-Chorus

-Breakdown
Everyday im stronger
it can't get better
if it if it
don't hurt
why why
(OOh why)
see me in my next life
heartbreak's a teacher
and now
I love ah love ah
little bit deeper
why oh why (oh why)

Running Out of Fools

So i was getting mentored today about matters of the heart and RKM told me to download a few songs, listen to them 8 times straight threw and by the 3 time, i will be screaming and crying, the tears will dry up and the healing will begin. So i figured since I had tried everything else and nothing seemed to work but pray, Gospel music and time, why not try to speed up this process. Here is the first song off the list...more where this came from. powerful lyrics...Running Out of Fools by Aretha Franklin 1964

Sure you haven't got the wrong number
You sure its me you wanna talk to tonight?
Everyone in town's got your number
Everybody's got you pegged right

Is that why yu got in touch with me?
I guess you must be runnin' out of fools

When you went and left me there crying
Your goodbye was even colder than ice
It didn't bother you I was crying
And now you wanna break my heart twice

Is that why you got in touch with me?
I guess you must be runnin' out of fools

Guess you got back (guess you got)
To my name
In your little black book

Well, listen
Tell you what (tell you what)
Bet you forgot (you forgot)
How I even look

So go ahead with all your sweet talking
Go ahead for all the good it can do
Have yourself a dime's worth of talking
And then I'm gonna hang right up on you

'Cause this time, you're not
You're not getting through to me
I guess you must be runnin' out of fools

Even fools like me
Even fools like me
I said you're running out of fools
Even old fools like me